Mother's Day

Mother's Day, for the last 7 years, has been a difficult day for me. I was with both of them as they passed away & lucky enough to hold their hands as they took their last breath. Now that I have children, I feel a bit less melancholy - but the sadness it still there. Mother's Day doesn't hold the same meaning to me without my mother and grandmother around. I envy those that still have mothers to share the day with and want to slap those that don't appreciate that fact. Being an only child, it is as though my protector - my feeling of safety is gone. Vulnerability has, with time, turned into strength. The days of having them to call and tell silly life tidbits to are long gone & it can be very lonely. Wanting to share something that my boys did with her can turn my day around. To this day, I still have moments when I go to call her on the phone. To say "Mom" is so foreign to me. Their absence has made me what I am today. I know that I have to be to my boys - what my mother and grandmother were to me.

My mother would always tell me ahead of time what her gift request for Mother's Day was. By "ahead of time", I mean that she could tell me in October, December or February what she wanted. We would be at a Pampered Chef party in January & she would tell me, "Tracey, if you get me this now, you don't have to get me anything for Mother's Day!". Just like a little kid. A few months before she passed away, we made an agreement that we would meet once a month for dinner - just her and me. Unfortunately, we only had the chance to do it once.

I know how blessed I was to have her for those 28 years. She saw me graduate high school and college. She saw me get married. She did not see either of my children be born. The funny thing is, she never thought I was going to have any kids. I always told her I only wanted dogs - and she believed me (or at least pretended to). The death of my mother and grandmother gave me a realization that if when I passed away, there would be no one to carry on their stories and their legacy.

As my boys grow older, I notice things in the house that were meant for children. Things that my mother bought well after I had become an adult. The mini upholstered rocking chair that she bought for her doll to sit in. The Disney movies that she bought when I was in high school. It was almost as though she knew children would one day play and use them. Maybe she knew the boys were coming all along.

How sad that the situation that made me want children, is the one I missed most when they were born. The fact that my mother never met my children is beyond heartbreaking. She would have inhaled both of them. I cannot even imagine how much she would love and spoil them. It is such a loss for my boys, a loss they will never have the chance to know.

Eric knows that Grandma in Heaven watches over him, he knows she went to heaven because she was sick and God needed her. Her picture is all over the house. He knows that she is my mommy. He comes with me to the cemetery when I go to visit. He knows where my mom's plot is & where Grandma Agnes and Grandpa Leo are too. He asks, when it is time for him to go to heaven, which way he will go - at an angle, or straight up?

Last night Eric whispered in my ear, "Grandma in Heaven loves you". It made me smile, because I know she told him to say that...